From Joy to Sorrow

        We’ve gone from joy to sorrow… but remain praising the Lord.  Just as quickly as I’ve share the news of our pregnancy, I have to share the news that our 4th baby passed away at about 9.5 weeks.

        Here’s our story:  I went in for my 12 week appointment on Wednesday and my doctor was unable to hear the heartbeat.  She said she wasn’t concerned because there little Doppler is weak and I was technically only 11 weeks and 3 days, and the soonest they could hear the heartbeat was 11 weeks.  I truly knew in my heart, though, that something was wrong and told my doctor so.  I told her I was relieved to have my ultrasound immediately after so I could see if our baby was still alive.  She gave me a huge hug and it was one of comfort, not of reassurance.

        As soon as the ultrasound appeared on the screen, I told the technician  that there was no heartbeat. And a few moments later she agreed with me.  The ultrasound did show that the blood pocket had grown, but I haven’t been told that was the sure cause of the loss.  She continued to take measurements and photos and left me alone while she consulted with the radiologist.  I was thankful she didn’t leave my baby on the screen, though I’m sure I will never loose the sight of that little figure nestled inside me… I began playing over in my mind the game of “This isn’t as sad as ________”.  Have you ever played that?  It is comforting for a few moments, but soon felt very insensitive to compare my sorrow to the tragedies of  others’.  I moved on, rather, to just listing all of the things about the situation and my life that I am so particularly thankful for.  That the baby didn’t suffer, that the Lord protect me from getting overly attached to this pregnancy, that we didn’t hold and kiss the baby before having to say good-bye… that I have 3 little boys and a loving husband at home to both grieve and celebrate life with.

        After the technician came back and released me, I spoke to my doctor briefly about what would come next.  My body has not released the baby yet, so that reality is looming.  I morn the fact that I will be passing death, rather than life, but do realize that this is no longer my baby…

        He or she is in Heaven, and each time I touch my now shrinking belly and feel the surge of sadness over this loss, I ask the Lord to kiss my baby for me.  Is there a sweeter kiss than that?  I feel such comfort in knowing my baby will never cry tears of sorrow or pain.   He or she will only know the love of the Lord first-hand and live in perfect harmony in Heaven.  We find such comfort in that.

        As much sadness as I feel over this loss we are feeling, I feel an equally strong sadness for those who don’t know the Lord and don’t feel such comfort in their own times of trial.  For those who lack the Hope and Promise and Goodness that only He can provide because they don’t know Him or refuse to accept this blessing.  I do NOT know how we would get through another day carrying this burden if it wasn’t for the strength of the Lord.

        This has become an experience of much more than miscarriage.  It is 100% about trusting the Lord’s plan, just as it was when we surprisingly found out we were pregnant in the first place.  It is about not needing to understand the plan in order to gain peace.  We could drive ourselves mad with the questions of, “Lord, why did you let us get pregnant and excited only to take the baby away?”  “Why did you let my boys get attached to their new baby brother or sister only to deny them the opportunity to know him or her??”  “Why do some people have so many babies, and you took this one from me … am I not good enough?”  And then the one Gage actually asked me, “Mom, did God end the pregnancy because you didn’t really want it?”  It is SO easy to ask these questions because it is in our nature to know as much as we can so that we can gain some sense of control, and I’d be lying if I said they hadn’t passed through my mind.  But I know we will never gain peace this way because there will always be another question lingering to ask… that will likely not have an answer for us to find.  Seeking Jesus and receiving God’s grace is the only way to gain and feel peace … it doesn’t prevent grief, but it does bring hope and comfort amidst the pain and sorrow.

         

        I have so much I could say to you friends, regarding the experience.  I have never before felt so compelled to spread the word of God’s Goodness and Jesus’ Love … which is so amazing to me because of the loss my family is going through.  It would be so easy to blame God and run from him in frustration for what He has allowed us to go through… but kneeling at His feet, thankful for His never-ending Love and Grace is really the only place I can be.

        And He wants ALL of us to be there.  So He can pour His saving grace on all of His children, allowing all of us to be cloaked in His comfort and to feel the true sense of hope and peace.

        xoxo… Have a blessed weekend, and I’ll see you next week.  🙂

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        • Rebecca - Shedding tears for you all, Lacey. But so thankful that you know the goodness and peace of His love.
          Praying that He may be glorified, even in this devastating time.
          Sending a huge hug your way. <3
          RebeccaReplyCancel

        • Melissa VanLeeuwen - Lacey, I am so sorry for your loss and know all to well what you are feeling. I myself have had 4 miscarriages and have 3 healthy children. I’ve played the “what if” game myself, and also felt guilt over dwelling so much in my loss that I wasn’t giving the living children I had the much deserved attention they needed. Loss is hard, period. I just know that in the end, I would not have the children I have now if I did not suffer the miscarriages in between the miracles that I do have and that are healthy and well. ((hugs))ReplyCancel

        • JessicaN - Lacey, I am so very sorry. I will be praying for you family. <3ReplyCancel

        • Michelle C. - Dear Lacey, sweet Lacey. I am so sorry for your loss. I feel at peace knowing you and your family are at peace and so thankful for your strong testimony for our Heavenly Father. You are a strong pillar that lights up the world and I know there is much more in store for you in the future. 🙂 Love you always.ReplyCancel

        • Becky - I am so sorry Lacey!!! Sending you hugs & prayers!ReplyCancel

        • Lisa S. - Oh Lacy I’m so sorry for your loss… I had a missed miscarriage in my first pregnancy – same sort of thing as you and found out at 13 weeks. My thoughts and prayers are with you!! xoReplyCancel

        • Penelope - I’m so very sorry 🙁ReplyCancel

        • Chelsea - Lacey, I am so very sorry that you and your family are experiencing this sorrow but I do agree that there is a little comfort knowing this happened early and that your sweet baby knows God and is with him in Heaven. Be strong. You are loved and I am praying for you and your familyReplyCancel

        • Autumn - I’m so sorry for your loss, Lacey. I, too, have a little one waiting for me up in heaven and I find comfort in the fact knowing I will see he/she again. Prayers going up for your family.ReplyCancel

        • Heidi G - Hugs to you, friend. This is a very moving post. Life is so hard and so good. This type of heartbreak is experienced by many and often not discussed. Your words here will bring comfort to many and, I have the feeling, that these words will also continue to bring you comfort in the days ahead. <3ReplyCancel

        • Lexie - Oh Lacey, I’m so so sorry for your loss. Your strength is an inspiration and I will be praying for you and your family <3ReplyCancel

        • Jes Gwozdz - So sorry for your loss, Lacey. <3ReplyCancel

        • heidi - Oh Lacey-I am so so very sorry. I will pray for healing and strength for you and your family. <3ReplyCancel

        • Kim - Lacey, I’m heartbroken for you and your family, but touched by how you are so honest in your journey and your praise. The image of Christ kissing your baby, I will never forget that. Ever. Much love to you.ReplyCancel

        • Kari Patterson - Oh friend. I am so, so sorry. I missed the pregnancy announcement (I’m lame!) and now my eyes are full of tears and my heart full of sorrow but praying for you and praising God for your heart of faith and trust in Jesus. You are a beautiful example to ALL. Love you so much, my friend.ReplyCancel

        • Corinne - Hugs and love Lacey. Love your message <3ReplyCancel

        • Melissa - This is such a great message that you share in such a time of sorrow and pain. God’s grace and peace are so abundant and I am so thankful that you lean on Him in this situation. What a great example you are to so many. Praying and loving you all!ReplyCancel

        • Debbie - Oh Lacey, I’m in tears reading this! I have been where you are, and I’m so deeply sorry for your loss! I admire your courage and conviction! and especially during times of hardship and sorrow, you remain a beacon of strength & inspiration!! Sending love and prayers to you and your family!! ♥ReplyCancel

        • Crystal - Oh Lacey….this makes me so sad for you and your family. You are always so full of beautiful words when others are struggling. I wish I was gifted with your eloquent words..but I’m not…so I’ll just let you know that I am thinking about you and your family, and send virtual {{hugs}}.
          CrystalReplyCancel

        • Holly - So many hugs and prayers and thoughts for you all.ReplyCancel

        • Michelle Myers - Lacey, I am so sorry to hear this. I’ll be praying for you and your family as you walk through this time of loss. It’s amazing to see your perspective on this when so many people would be soooo angry with God. Your message was powerful and I hope it will touch others who read this as well. ((hugs))ReplyCancel

        • Mel - Lacey, I am so sorry. But I am so glad that you have such faith to help pull you through. Your total acceptance of God’s plan is beautiful, and one that will comfort you. My prayers are with your family, especially your sons. The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord- Job 1:21ReplyCancel

        • Star - I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs.ReplyCancel

        • Erica - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and calamaties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

          Your closing paragraph brought this scripture to mind. We will continue to pray. Love, EricaReplyCancel

        • Marcia Swanson - Such very sad news, Lacey. I too, had missed the news of your pregnancy. Sorrows grow less and farther in time but these never go away for keeps. These little babies come to our hearts and minds many times in our lives. It is good to know the Lord is loving them, like you do. I don’t know if it helps but I have 2 babies in heaven, sometimes I can’t wait to see them as I never met them either. One is a boy but I don’t know what the other is, maybe our babies will be playmates. Jesus, who loves us beyond all knowledge, love out little children and Lord, I really pray you will tell them about their mommies and daddies and I rejoice that we will get to met them one day. Thank you in all circumstances in Jesus Name.
          Lacey, I weep for you. MarciaReplyCancel

        • Marilyn brown - I too have lost children. There are no words that I can say to make this sadness lessen I want you to know you are not alone in this journey of grief. I would like to share a website with mend.org (mommies enduring neonatal death). I’m so sorry for your loss.ReplyCancel

        • Kim F - Lacey – I am so very sorry for your loss. Please know that I will be joining the others in praying for peace, strength and healing for you. My sincere condolences…. Kim F.ReplyCancel

        • aly - So, so sorry for your loss… Your faith is an inspiration. Many prayers for you and your family.ReplyCancel

        • Holly - I am so, so sorry, Lacey. 🙁 xoReplyCancel

        • Candy - I’m so very sorry! I’ll be praying for you and your family in the coming days.ReplyCancel

        • Candy - I’m so very sorry! I’ll be praying for you and your family in the coming days.ReplyCancel

        • ClaireT - Sitting here with tears rolling down my face. So sad for you. I too lost a baby at 11 weeks in a “missed miscarriage” where the first we knew was the lack of heartbeat and a scan that showed it had stopped growing at 8 weeks. My children still talk about that baby sometimes 7 years later. The pain does ease but I so feel for you with what is still to come before this chapter is finished. Hold on to your family and your faith and breathe their love in deep.ReplyCancel

        • Lori K - Virtual hugs, Lacey – I am so sorry to hear…ReplyCancel

        • Kayla - Thank you for sharing your heart & sorrow with us ♥ I am so sorry, Lacey, but so thankful you know The Lord, and have him to carry you & your sweet family.ReplyCancel

        • Kim - Lacey, I read both announcements back to back which leaves me in tears though I am nodding in agreement. God’s will be done. That is where peace lies ultimately. Still, am praying for comfort and as much physical ease and protection as possible during this whole process.ReplyCancel

        • Grieving Alongside, Miscarriage | Alive because of Christ - […] Here’s a link to Lacey’s blog: From Joy to Sorrow […]ReplyCancel

        • Our Due Date is Approaching … » Clackamas Oregon Lifestyle Photographer, Newborn Photographer, Clackamas Oregon Maternity Photographer | Lacey Meyers Photography - […] opportunity for me to glorify God.  That over 4000 visitors would come to my blog on the day that I proclaimed to the world-wide-web that even in our time of suffering God is still Good.  And little did I know that through the trial of miscarriage, I would come to find even more […]ReplyCancel

        • Embracing the ‘Life’ in Lifestyle Photography » Clackamas Oregon Lifestyle Photographer, Newborn Photographer, Clackamas Oregon Maternity Photographer | Lacey Meyers Photography - […] a life-altering experience stopped me in my tracks and reminded me of why I picked up my camera in the first place….  […]ReplyCancel

          • Eunice - This is so beautifully written. I, too, have experienced miscarriage with our first baby and looking back, I am thankful for it because it drew my husband and me closer to the Lord. I didn’t understand why it happened, but now, I do. The ultimate reason was for God’s glory. The Lord is so kind and always drawing us closer to Himself. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! 🙂ReplyCancel

        • Pregnancy After Miscarriage (My Experience) » This is Life. With Country Boys {Lacey Meyers Photography} - […] Three and a half years ago we suffered what they call a ‘missed miscarriage’ which basically means that our baby died at 9.5 weeks; we saw it on the ultrasound at 12 weeks and then I didn’t actually ‘miscarry’ until 13.5 weeks.  During that initial few weeks before when the baby stopped progressing and we found out, my symptoms of nausea and tiredness disappeared.  I still looked like I had an expanding tummy, though and had no cramping or bleeding, etc so figured I should just be grateful for that gift.  Little did I know, my body was kind of realizing something wasn’t right with the pregnancy anymore, but didn’t quite know what to do about it. […]ReplyCancel

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