We’ve gone from joy to sorrow… but remain praising the Lord. Just as quickly as I’ve share the news of our pregnancy, I have to share the news that our 4th baby passed away at about 9.5 weeks.
Here’s our story: I went in for my 12 week appointment on Wednesday and my doctor was unable to hear the heartbeat. She said she wasn’t concerned because there little Doppler is weak and I was technically only 11 weeks and 3 days, and the soonest they could hear the heartbeat was 11 weeks. I truly knew in my heart, though, that something was wrong and told my doctor so. I told her I was relieved to have my ultrasound immediately after so I could see if our baby was still alive. She gave me a huge hug and it was one of comfort, not of reassurance.
As soon as the ultrasound appeared on the screen, I told the technician that there was no heartbeat. And a few moments later she agreed with me. The ultrasound did show that the blood pocket had grown, but I haven’t been told that was the sure cause of the loss. She continued to take measurements and photos and left me alone while she consulted with the radiologist. I was thankful she didn’t leave my baby on the screen, though I’m sure I will never loose the sight of that little figure nestled inside me… I began playing over in my mind the game of “This isn’t as sad as ________”. Have you ever played that? It is comforting for a few moments, but soon felt very insensitive to compare my sorrow to the tragedies of others’. I moved on, rather, to just listing all of the things about the situation and my life that I am so particularly thankful for. That the baby didn’t suffer, that the Lord protect me from getting overly attached to this pregnancy, that we didn’t hold and kiss the baby before having to say good-bye… that I have 3 little boys and a loving husband at home to both grieve and celebrate life with.
After the technician came back and released me, I spoke to my doctor briefly about what would come next. My body has not released the baby yet, so that reality is looming. I morn the fact that I will be passing death, rather than life, but do realize that this is no longer my baby…
He or she is in Heaven, and each time I touch my now shrinking belly and feel the surge of sadness over this loss, I ask the Lord to kiss my baby for me. Is there a sweeter kiss than that? I feel such comfort in knowing my baby will never cry tears of sorrow or pain. He or she will only know the love of the Lord first-hand and live in perfect harmony in Heaven. We find such comfort in that.
As much sadness as I feel over this loss we are feeling, I feel an equally strong sadness for those who don’t know the Lord and don’t feel such comfort in their own times of trial. For those who lack the Hope and Promise and Goodness that only He can provide because they don’t know Him or refuse to accept this blessing. I do NOT know how we would get through another day carrying this burden if it wasn’t for the strength of the Lord.
This has become an experience of much more than miscarriage. It is 100% about trusting the Lord’s plan, just as it was when we surprisingly found out we were pregnant in the first place. It is about not needing to understand the plan in order to gain peace. We could drive ourselves mad with the questions of, “Lord, why did you let us get pregnant and excited only to take the baby away?” “Why did you let my boys get attached to their new baby brother or sister only to deny them the opportunity to know him or her??” “Why do some people have so many babies, and you took this one from me … am I not good enough?” And then the one Gage actually asked me, “Mom, did God end the pregnancy because you didn’t really want it?” It is SO easy to ask these questions because it is in our nature to know as much as we can so that we can gain some sense of control, and I’d be lying if I said they hadn’t passed through my mind. But I know we will never gain peace this way because there will always be another question lingering to ask… that will likely not have an answer for us to find. Seeking Jesus and receiving God’s grace is the only way to gain and feel peace … it doesn’t prevent grief, but it does bring hope and comfort amidst the pain and sorrow.
I have so much I could say to you friends, regarding the experience. I have never before felt so compelled to spread the word of God’s Goodness and Jesus’ Love … which is so amazing to me because of the loss my family is going through. It would be so easy to blame God and run from him in frustration for what He has allowed us to go through… but kneeling at His feet, thankful for His never-ending Love and Grace is really the only place I can be.
And He wants ALL of us to be there. So He can pour His saving grace on all of His children, allowing all of us to be cloaked in His comfort and to feel the true sense of hope and peace.
xoxo… Have a blessed weekend, and I’ll see you next week. 🙂